Friday, November 13, 2015

My end. A new beginning.

So I'm a lazy gal.  I mean, it's been, what, like a year since I last posted?  I'm too lazy to even double check.  One thing I'm not lazy about?  Food.  This girl likes to eat.  Cooking is mostly a means to the end, so I'm not a huge cook - I love take-out.  So cooking is usually very simple and, much to my husband's chagrin, a bit repetitive.  I have my favorites and I intersperse them with dishes he likes...sometimes. 

So anything that messes with that simple equation of: decide + make = eating time, is really not appreciated.

Did you know I've just gone Gluten-Free (GF), Dairy-Free (DF), and Distilled Vinegar Free (VF)?  Well, I have.  I mean, the goal is to not shit like my ass is on fire.  To not immediately have to run to the bathroom as soon as I get the urge to go like I've just been told my toddler is paragliding from the roof using cardboard wings...  To not have to plan my outings based on the nearest restroom of acceptable quality ("Those assholes won't let you use their bathroom unless you buy something, even if you have poo dripping down into your sock, but that one there might be ok as long as you smile at the cashier and not get any on the floor...").  These don't seem like lofty goals, right?  Well, let me tell you, they're a real pain in the ass and THAT was suppose to stop when I went on the diet.

Turns out I'm allergic to Distilled Vinegar.  Who knew?  Those days of marching through an entire bottle of Rooster Sauce per week (when I was pregnant) must've really done a number on me.  My body didn't react so badly then, I hypothesize that my unborn spawn protected my GI tract in order to preserve himself to make it to his birthing day.  Both of them.  I really had a thing for Sriracha when I was pregnant.  And pickles.  Which I am also allergic to.  So in one way of looking at it, there was this EPIC battle being waged inside of me, David and Goliath - er, let's rename them Devon and Rooster Sauce.  Although I like to think he probably had a light saber and not the sling shot.  But I digress.

After Devon was born, my Sriracha usage leveled off a little, but I had a bit of an addiction to it, akin to social smoking or crack cocaine usage (I can stop anytime!).  But my butt.  Terrible.

So I finally went to a Naturopath and am on my way to discovering why I feel terrible so frequently and am for the first time hopeful that I could maybe not feel like shit someday.  I've been looking at lots of recipes and having my usual delusions of grandeur about how I'm going to Get It Together and Eat Healthier and Lose That Weight I've Been Planning To and Ooh, I'm Going To Stick To It This Time...  If I do it for more than 1 week, that'll be a WIN!  But this time I'm under doctor's orders to stick to the DF, GF, VF until my blood results come back in a month. 

Today's dinner is a DF, GF copy of the Zuppa Toscana at the Olive Garden (or as I like to call it: That Place That That Friend Of Mine's Friend Broke Out In A Rash After Eating Their Food And When The Doctor Analyzed The Leftovers Determined There Was Semen In It - Garden) that also happens to be VF but without any extra work on my part (which is fine by me).  It's excellent and I'd eat it even when I'm off my diet, so that's saying something.  Check the recipe out here: Paleo Zuppa Toscana

This diet has really been such a hardship.  SO much extra work and, as you know, as a lazy person, this is not my bag of bananas.  Maybe Day Two will be easier.

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