Meal Planning continued...

So I'm a few weeks behind sharing what recipes I've been finding to try.  Sorry.  I'd make a lot of excuses but I feel that just whipping out the old "D hasn't been sleeping very well" excuse tends to cover most situations, so there you go ;)  I'll probably talk about that later - we've all been REALLY tired in this house lately.

So I thought I'd list all the new recipes I've tried and an excerpt of what did and didn't work for each?  Sorry, I'm not very good (like I SUCK at it) taking pictures of the dishes before hoovering them down, so I posted stock pictures from the websites I got the recipes from.  So here we go:

Dirty Rice with Sausage
Oh, man, this is so good.  When I was done it looked super boring and I actually apologized to Hubs that I didn't make a side for it, but when we tasted it - it was spot on.  SO GOOD!  I used Adell's Cajun Andouille sausage which was JUST on the line of almost too spicy for D.  I used my regular short grain white rice that I also use for sticky rice.  I've tried long grain jasmine rice and I'm just never as happy.  This recipe came together pretty easily all in all - the veggie prep was done quickly while the rice was steaming.  I actually forgot to cook the rice in stock (and actually I didn't have any so I used lame broth for the rest of the recipe) and it was still just as good.


Malaysian Chicken Pizza
This is a great recipe for leftover chicken or that last blurb of peanut butter that isn't enough for a sandwich.  I would half the first 8 ingredients which make the sauce - it was so thick in the middle of the pizza that it made the bread a little soggy - too much.  It might be okay with two pizza crusts - I only made one since I didn't know if it would suck or not - it's definitely a little strange sounding.  I also utilize my bread maker on the dough setting for my pizza crust (I couldn't find a link to my go-to recipe so: 1 cup +2 Tbsp warm water 105-115 degrees, 1 & 1/2 Tbsp olive oil, 3 & 1/3 cup all purpose flour, 1 & 1/2 tsp salt, 1 & 1/2 tsp sugar, 1 & 1/2 tsp dry yeast.  Place all ingredients in order into the bread machine and turn on on the DOUGH setting.  When it's done, split into 2.  If waiting to use dough, put a little olive oil in a bowl and roll the dough in the olive oil then put into the fridge topped with plastic wrap [alternately, you can put each roll into its own plastic wrap then into a freezer ziploc for up to 3 months].  Roll each out on flour covered countertop then replace onto baking pan sprinkled liberally with corn meal or onto a pizza stone.  Bake usually at 425 degrees unless otherwise noted.)   So this recipe states baking at 500, which is crazy and led to the middle being undercooked.  I'd rather cook a little longer at 450 and have it evenly cooked.  Once I shook a bunch of red pepper flakes on it, I liked it a whole lot more.  But as is, I think pretty good, not amazing - I'm going to tweak it a little and I'll report back.


Blackened Chicken & Cilantro Lime Quinoa
This one is AMAZEBALLS and I don't use that term lightly.  I take the cilantro down a notch and omit the lime completely - I feel it really overpowers the rest of the dish.  I've also found that I need to double/sometimes triple the rub - it goes really quickly and I love cajun spices.  This is a recipe that has you literally over a HOT stove for a little while, so I don't recommend it for hot summer days, but when it's cooler - it's a cinch to put together. *This is NOT a new recipe - it's an old standard that I love and HAD to throw in this mix.  It's worth it.


Asian Beef and Broccoli
This one was not so good.  And very unappetizing to look at.  My suggestions: use white rice, not brown and definitely not the brown rice/quinoa mix I used.  It needs the marmalade - I used a bit of orange juice concentrate...it needed more...something.  I don't even know.  And my apologies for the link - Parents magazine won't let you look at any recipes without being a member which really annoys the crap out of me.  Actually, my suggestion is this: don't make this.  Google Chinese Restaurants in Bellingham and order take out instead.  But here's the picture - it's VERY yummy looking here:



Spicy Turkey Sausage with Black-eyed Peas and Spinach
Now, this one is fab-u-lous.  It's easy, it's healthy, and it's freaking delicious.  Like it's done in under 30 minutes.  A great fall back recipe for a night you've forgotten to plan ahead for.  My kids love this one - except the spinach - B is afraid of anything green I think :/  I wouldn't change a thing about it.  When it's just for me and Hubs, I use the Adell's Spicy Mango Jalapeno sausage, but otherwise I just use whatever sausage I have about.  It's ALWAYS good - which is good enough as admitting that, yes, this is another oldie but goodie.  You'll thank me for including it though.


Slow Cooked Carnitas Tacos
This is an easy slow cooker recipe.  It has relatively few ingredients, most of them are standards in my pantry.  I would cook it just a hair less and follow one reviewer's advice of flash crisping it in a cast iron pan after it's done in the slow cooker to give a nice skin to it.  Also adding the cumin, garlic, chicken stock, and more onion is good advice.  I don't like corn tortillas so I use flour - it was very good with the avacado and cilantro and red pepper.  Nothing mind-blowing, but with a few easy tweaks it becomes really tasty and VERY easy to prepare.  BTW: the picture below is NOTHING like what mine looked like, but I promised pictures, so here is what epicurious.com posted.


Jambalaya Casserole
Mmm.  This was tasty, a fair number of ingredients, so it does require a bit of chopping, but the majority of the time it takes to prepare is baking time.  Pretty easy.  And definitely worth it - I used the Mango Jalapeno Sausage I love by Adell's which was too spicy for the kiddos but Hubs and I both loved it.  And it's very forgiving if you're out of particular ingredients, you can substitute to your heart's content.



So I hope this whets your appetite and gives you some new recipes to try.  I know there's more that I tried over the last few weeks, but I can't remember them all now - FAIL!  But I'll try to be better about posting what I've made...and taking my own pictures.  And like Andrew Zimmern, I have my own new tagline: "FOOD IS GOOD, EAT IT."  :)  Yes, friends, eat all of it.  Ciao!

24 hours of Ahhhhhhh.

Hubs and I just got back from Salish Lodge (OMFG, this place is Amazeberg, seriously, go there and eat ALL the food) utilizing a gift certificate we got from my Dad last Christms (best gift evah).  We were only gone 24 hours, but with a deep tissue massage, deep soaker tubs, the bow chicka bow wow, and the most amazing meals EVER, I actually feel like I got a break!  How the hell does that work?!  Here is the Lodge above Snoqualmie Falls:

We had appointments for DTM's.  No, that's not Do The Monkey, it's Deep Tissue Massage.  Hummmmmmmmaaaaaagggerrrrrdd.  I'm pretty sure that was my primary thought during the entire 50 minutes of Heaven.  Except for those times that my masseuse utilized her thumbs, forearms, or ELBOWS.  Just.Shy.Of.Pain.  Is SOOOOO good!  We had a couple's massage.  Which really means that Hubs and I were naked under blankets and being prodded by strangers together.  And it was wonderful.  And hot towels!  I had no idea that a crock pot could be so versatile!  I also learned that a hot sauna is REALLY boring.  I couldn't read my Kindle and it was too hot to talk.  I don't have any idea how all those mobsters do all their business in saunas - or why they're all so round - you'd think that they'd just sweat off all those meatballs.  Weird.  I saw it on HBO so it must be true.

But if you go, take a pair of walking/hiking shoes (I only brought heels - I was trying to be hoity-toity), stretchy waist pants for after dinner (and breakfast - maternity pants would work perfectly), and ear plugs (out of necessity, the Lodge is RIGHT next to a busy road on an incline, so we were awoken by the sounds of large trucks revving up the road...blerg).  Also: be prepared.  1) There's no USB charger - not on the TV, not on the iHome radio, not on the phone.  Just.  Not.  2) You'll overeat.  Then you'll have to poop.  And the bathroom opens up to the main room via thin windows, you know, so sexy stuff can happen in the double occupancy tub.  Hubs made me turn the TV on. ;)

I'm still trying to get over the food.  Seriously.  It was THAT good.  Hubs had the 28oz Rib Eye:

It was as big as his face.  Which answered the question: "Could he ever eat his own face?" No.  No, he could not.  He also had the "pureed" potatoes (NOT mashed, so last year).

Now I had the Tenderloin:

Now, everything on this plate is amazing.  I mean, even the friggin' asparagus was amazing, and those are pretty easy.  But take a moment to stare, with saliva dripping off your chin, at the sauce...  It was my first Demi Glaze.  And it was...indescribable.  It tasted like all those crusty bits on the bottom of the pan after searing meat mixed with ground up rainbows and angel tears.  I have never had such a relatively thin sauce be such the main attraction on my plate before.  The server poured this juice of the gods onto my steak for me and as he pulled away, I saw there was still an inch of the heavens in the bottom of the small pitcher...DAMN IT, WHY DIDN'T I TELL HIM TO LEAVE IT?!  This rates high on the list of dumb things I have done that I have only myself to blame for...well, I'll blame him a little too - he should have known how next to cleanliness that sauce was (er, godliness, get it? Don't give me the credit - I stole it from Ratatouille) and left it for me.  Although, maybe he was keeping me from sticking my tongue as far into the little pitcher as I could and making a general ass of myself in the middle of this klassy establishment.  Like I would have done that...  Pshaw.  I'd've been proper and used my fingers.

Oh, the wine.  OH, THE WINE!  Take it from me, drink the expensive shit in the Dining Room and leave the Red Blend in the gift shop.  It was SUCH a disappointment after the Malbec and Syrah we enjoyed with our dinners.  Maybe the $60 bottle of the Red Blend Reserve would have been better...but I doubt it.  We bought the bottle to have in our room, but we each only had one glass.  You know it's not bangin' if I leave any for the next day.  But at least they had corkscrews in the room - I've stayed at some places where I've actually considered gnawing the cork out with my teeth.  But yes, drink the expensive wine in the restaurant and bring a bottle of tried and true wine with you for your room.

Get off your lazy ass and walk to view the falls.  We almost didn't do this and I'm so glad Hubs convinced me to trot in my fancy-shmancy heels to the lookout.  Also: watch what you're doing.  When a couple is trying to get their picture taken, and they're not being assholes about it and taking forever, maybe be aware that the back of your fucking head is going to be in EVERY ONE OF THEIR SHOTS.  Yeah, lady, I'm talkin' about YOU:

But as my breakfast filled-to-the-brim gut is so prominent in these pictures, her head isn't nearly as noticeable as I thought it'd be.  Moving on.

Breakfast.  Suffice to say that it was huge.  Like my gut afterwards.  My poached egg/smoked salmon/potato baby and I are very happy, thank you.  And it already sleeps through the night.  I won't go into detail about my major faux pas.  But in a nutshell, I dropped a whole basket of biscuit/scone/muffin goodness all over the floor and the sweetie pie that brought our water replaced the whole thing for me...  I think he may have had the impression I was about to cry.  Because I was about to cry.  They got a really good tip.  That is all.

So.  Really.  Just go there.  Amazebergville.  Tell them Leah sent you.

No, don't, they don't know who I am.

**Postscript: I just now realized that I didn't mention my children a single time here.  I thought of them in passing periodically, but really?  I didn't miss them until I was nearly home.  Salish Lodge was THAT good.

Because consent.

An acquaintance recently commented on a Facebook thread about those nudie pics that were "hacked" (FML, it's VIOLATED not HACKED, jaysus-effin-eff, people) of various celebrities recently.  The thread had to do with honest bemusement that owners of such beautiful forms would be upset at all over the worldwide adoration of them at their finest.  Her comment was: "Because consent."  And I felt that it was the perfect statement.  It's one of those answers that doesn't require any debate or any discussion because it just IS.  Consent is so simple.  No consent equals a violation tantamount to assault.

This whole "news-worthy" topic was mostly cringe-inducing until I realized how much conversation about consent and rape-culture and victim-shaming was going on ALL OVER THE PLACE.  And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

I have spent the majority of my adult life congratulating myself on being a good ol' guy.  I don't get offended by a whole lot and I frequently find the funny in derogatory jokes (race, gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, and politics to name a few) as long as those laughing treat this type of joking as one would cigars or onions: either everyone in the party does or everyone in the party does not.

I have often said that I wanted to raise boys that could also find the funny in all things and that could brush off stereotypical bullshit with laughter - thereby taking the sting and satisfaction out of said bullshit.  But I've realized more and more that I came to this "awareness of self" and confidence AFTER my youth - actually, I may have been in my late twenties before I REALLY became comfortable with myself and my skin.  A lot of that is residual from being adopted and having sought out belonging and acceptance with ALL the wrong ammunition, but it did take a LONG time.  If that is so, then the laughter that I partake in while my children are at such a impressionable age will affect them in a way that I may not intend.

If you take mental illness out of the equation, you have to wonder: where did all the boys who rape learn their behavior?  Where did this miasma of victim-blaming, this totally accepted culture we have of teaching the preyed-upon more tools to fight off predators instead of teaching the predators to NOT RAPE, come from?  It MUST be a learned behavior.  I refuse to believe that we are so basically bestial that we are genetically predisposed to raping each other.

So now I think of my sons.  What can I do to make sure I don't raise little pieces of shits that think it's funny to piss on the towel boy, over-serve a girl then say she was "asking for it", or take nudie pics of their one-night-stands and mass text them to the student body?  I think the better question is, "Have I ever found entertainment in any of those things?"  I am ashamed to say that while I didn't find it humorous in high school when one of the jocks urinated on another boy in the showers, I never spoke up about it, never stood up for him.  I am ashamed to say that I have MANY TIMES said that a little modesty never hurt anyone.  I am ashamed to say that I've thought, "What can she be thinking, she's got to know how slutty she looks, right?"  And when I say these things, have my sons ever heard me?  When I make a sarcastic face when confronted with a top frequently compared to the top of a muffin, when I make a snide remark when a scantily-clad woman walks by, when I roll my eyes when a man shouts sexual epitaphs, like "what do you expect" or "boys will be boys", have my sons seen this?

I think when we try to understand how we could have ended up here as a culture...we have to start with the question: WHAT AM I PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR?  Yes, on a social, governmental, mass-media front, there are definitely enough bulls-eye's for blame, but what am I responsible for?  How have I added to this cultural norm of blaming the victim?  When did I not speak up?  When did I speak up on behalf of the perpetrator and not the innocent?  My sons will learn the majority of how to act in the real world from me and Hubs.  What example are we giving them?

So this is my pledge: other people's bodies are not my bailiwick for judgement, we shouldn't have to train the weak to defend themselves, I'll just go ahead and teach my sons not to rape, and the age of bodily consent is birth (obviously, aside from necessities like bathing and doctoring).  For example: B doesn't like being tickled.  I also hate being tickled.  But I love to tickle.  He laughs but he doesn't enjoy it.  He finally figured out how to tell me and damn, that was a hard pill to take - geez, did I ever feel awful.  It just never occurred to me that he might not like it.

So unnamed friend, you'll know who you are when you read this, thanks for your two word comment on Facebook that day.  It really made me think.  And that's always a good thing. 

A meal plan, a life lesson, and a healing.

You know what the raddest thing is about my new meal planning thingy is?  That I get to eat it after I'm done!  Seriously, having new recipes to devour each night is just about the most awesome prize ever!  Thus far I've done the Chicken Diablo (look at my last post for the link to that recipe), Greek Salad (sort of a cheat, I had made it twice before, but it was for a nephew's birthday dinner), BBQ Bean & Rib Soup (sort of a fail as I forgot to put in the...um...bbq sauce), Spaghetti Bolognese (#16), and Sausage, Bean, & Pasta Stew.  We had a couple cheat nights when Hubs smoked a butt-load of pork ribs (mmm, love that smoker, I think we've discussed this before, yes?) and when we ended up with too much leftovers to make a new recipe the next night.  So I never got to the Spicy Turkey & Green Bean Stir Fry last week which I am super excited to try.

The BBQ Bean & Rib Soup was good...except...the next day it had the consistency of there being melted cheese in it...and I'm dairy free, so I knew there wasn't any of THAT...it had to be the connective tissues between the rib bones and the meat making the sauce more gelatenous.  And that made it a tad less palatable for me.  And the bbq sauce would REALLY have helped the flavor.  Which is probably why it was listed as, um, an ingredient.

I gotta say though, I'm eatin' up the Sausage, Bean, & Pasta Stew right now and ZOMG it is radtasticly fabuwonderful!  It was a bit weird putting the balsamic vinegar in at the end, but it gave it a perfect zing and really balanced the pasta, beans, and broth.  Also, I used hot sausage instead of mild...and of course I added Sriracha (to just mine)...  Mmm.  Wow, it is amazing, you should totes make it, like tomorrow.

I am, however, thankful I didn't have to do any cooking yesterday, as I was at the After Hours urgent care for my tubby 18 month old getting stitches in his foot...

Yeah.  So I was making some tea at my mom's house and I left the mug too close to the edge of the counter.  I even thought for a moment that it might be too close but then went, "nah, he can't reach that far."  I was standing a few feet from him when he pulled the cup down onto himself, then dropped it and it shattered all over the floor.  He immediately started screaming and I was sure he was burned, I grabbed him and got him into the sink to get cold water on him as quickly as possible.  It didn't even occur to me to check his feet...  Yup.  He sliced his right foot from the middle of the sole to almost the ankle bone on the inside.  He was bleeding all down my side and I didn't even notice. 

When I called the nurse hotline to ask if it was an emergency that should go to the ER (it had stopped bleeding and he had stopped crying), she told me that due to his age, they'd probably put him under at the ER and they'd use a Papoose Board at the Doctor's office...  I'd heard of those Papoose Board's before; it was terrifying comparing and contrasting which I thought would be the lesser evil, but in the end I felt that a horrible emotional experience was better than the possibility of complications from anesthesia...  But it was a terrible, terrible time.  D was just shy of too big for the Board and the nurses, I think in an effort to not make him uncomfortable - strangely -  didn't do it up tight enough, so I had to undo them and redo them tighter.  I think they thought I was maybe cold and unfeeling, since I really tightened the crap out of the straps, but I didn't understand why they were leaving it so loose; what was the point of it if it didn't actually keep him secured???  And as it was, he still got a hand/arm out and I had to physically restrain him for at least an hour while he screamed and screamed and screamed.  I have never done anything that hard before.  And knowing it was my fault made it so much harder to see him so angry, frustrated, hurt. 

I'm trying not to wallow in self-pity or self-incrimination, but objectively, I left the mug too close to the edge of the counter.  I did.  It was MY mistake that led to the eight stitches, the Papoose Board indignity, and the weeks of healing.  Oh, how I wish I could promise to never fuck up so bad again, ever, ever, ever.  But I know I can't.  I'm GONNA fuck it up.  And probably big.  Again.  GAH!  Self-forgiveness really is the hardest kind.  My baby is hurt and it's my fault.  Acceptance.  Moving on now.

Anyhow, I'm so glad there were leftover ribs.  Sometimes food is the greatest comfort, the greatest blessing.  A good meal made with love heals the small, broken parts inside us we can't medicate or patch or stitch up.  Hubs was my rock through the ordeal yesterday and his food healed my heart in the evening when I was too exhausted to prepare anything with love. 

I feel a little on the precipice.  I'd like to cry like a maniac and yes, wallow in self-pity.  I'd like to be held like a baby and wail it out.  But instead I'll hold MY baby like a baby and kiss his soft little head, put his head on my chest and let him listen to my steady, calm heart-beat, and be oh so thankful that it wasn't much, much worse.  Oh, how much worse it could have been. 

So I'll finish my delicious stew, made with love, by me, for my little family, and count my many blessings.  God keep you all tonight, hold your sweet littles close.  This momma's feeling a little emotional and well-fed. :)

MPFSSBJALMWLABOV...It's gonna sweep the nation!

So my new adventure this week is Meal Planning.  Well, it's not so much a NEW adventure as an adventure that I fail terrifically at frequently then give up in a huff of Kraft Mac & Cheese and Pirate's Booty (but the Trader Joe's kind, I pretend it's healthier).

My first try was the Month-Long Meal Plan.  It was good in theory, but shopping for the entire month was completely impossible money-wise and the logistics of planning the leftovers for an entire 30+ days was exhausting.  And Hubs decided to smoke a pork butt that month so of course that totally threw off my planning since it lasts, like, a week with leftovers.  Not that I'm complaining, my husband knows good butt.  Mmm.  That smoker was the best Valentine's Day gift I've ever given, maybe will have EVER given.  I love self-serving gifts!  Like the kegerator I was going to make/give him for his birthday that he ended up making and gifting to himself - WIN!

My second try was Meal Plan Every Sunday by making a shopping list while comparing to a stack of recipes.  This works alright, but then I ended up getting REALLY bored with some of my "staple" recipes.  And Hubs will kill me if I EVER make white enchiladas ever again.  I may kill myself, actually.  And making the same recipes over and over just gets SUPER dull.  Comfort food is great, and all, but for exciting the palate, it's so blah. 

And meal planning sucks ass sometimes when both Hubs and I get home around the same time after work.  Or the days that I drive from work to my MIL's home to pick up the kids then back to our house, getting home around 7 pm, needing to get the kiddos fed, washed, and into bed in about an hour and a half.  See, it's not that I'm necessarily BAD at meal planning, it's just that I'm really, really dumb.  You've probably already seen my major mistake: not a SINGLE mention of the Holy Crock Pot.  I just need to be smarter.  Can I buy that somewhere?  Like Walmart?  Hahaha, probably not there.

So I'm meal planning again, this time I'm calling it Meal Planning For Slightly Smarter But Just As Lazy Moms Who Like A Bit Of Variation (acronym can be located in the title): 

1.  Scour the world wide web for new recipes.  I like this because I can put "easy" into the Google search...but don't just use that one word, you may not like what pops up.  I'm  fan of Food Network recipes.  Partially because I'm so star-struck by the celebrity chefs, but partly because they knew best when Paula Deen was a douche.  I was one of those people that stood by her when she was saying she had said the [insert racist bullshit here] long ago and had learned since then and all that crap...  Until I read her sworn testimony only LAST year that had her relating UNDER OATH that she had said some terrible, racist things, such as the [insert racist bullshit here], VERY recently.  I was disappointed in FN for not giving her a chance, irked that they immediately cancelled her show, and annoyed that they didn't show more grace for a mistake made so long ago...but they proved me wrong...and secured my loyalty.  Anyhoo, I got 5 brand new recipes and am looking forward to expanding my horizons!  That is the general gist of my new Plan: new recipes for a month!  And then maybe longer!  Exciting!
2. Print out a list of ALL the recipes starting with Sunday night's recipe and going through Saturday night.  This ensures that on my dumber days, I do not lose the recipe I'm suppose to be making.  Unless I lose ALL the recipes because I put them in that place that I'm sure to not lose them.  You know that place.  Sigh.  But I'm pretty sure - like 60% - that I've saved the list to my computer...somewhere.
3. Make a complete shopping list.  Be sure to be un-lazy for a bit to actually check the pantry for items you THINK you have...because, you surely are out of something on that list and it WILL fuck up your master plan.  Trust me on this.
4. Shop.  Try REALLY hard to not impulse-buy.  Yeah, I suck at this.  Mmm...Oreos.
5. READ all the recipes.  This is very important.  Like my Tuesday recipe (tomorrow) calls for beans that have been soaked overnight.  That could throw an old monkey wrench into the sitch if you find you've overlooked that part when you're throwing together the meal!

And that's pretty much it.  I'm hoping it works out well.  Yesterday's recipe was Chicken Diablo utilizing the meat from a roast we had on Saturday night (in the Smoker - mom's night off from cooking!) and a new sauce recipe: Lucky Devils Diablo Sauce from, you guessed it, FN.  I sauteed the onions in the large pot the sauce was dumped out of into the blender (after it cooled) with a little vegetable oil until they were a little browned, added the broccoli, chicken, and sauce, brought it to a simmer and covered it until the broccoli was al dente.  I served it over white rice (I used sticky rice, not Basmati or Spanish) with a side of garlic bread.  It was SO yum, seriously.  Hahaha, I'm actually eating the leftovers right now as I type this.  I am THAT talented.

Chicken & Broccoli Diablo with rice and garlic bread.  ZOMG.  Numm.

I'll add that Hub's home brew went swimmingly with the dish, but you can't have that part until he starts marketing his beer...which I don't think he has any interest in doing...so, sorry for you.  But it WAS a tasty accompaniment!  So I can say that an IPA pairing would be pleasant for the palate.  Oooh, I sound so frou-frou!  Really excellent mouth-feel.  Bwah hahahaha!

I'll try to post the best of the new recipes that I'm trying here.  At the very least, this new Plan has spurred my interest in cooking again!  And that's been MIA for quite a while now.  Weeeee!

RIP, Gookie. You were...something else.

Well, THAT was interesting!

Poor Gookie.  She was...entertaining?  In the thralls of psychosis, her biting wit and scathing opinions left us all...slightly troubled?  Oh, dear, am I thankful for Gookie.  When she first emerged, I really needed her.  She gave me a place to lash out, a place to be unafraid, she gave me a voice to assuage the terror.  But she also took.  I remember so little of my youngest son's first year.  I see pictures and know I took them but have no clear recollection of the event being photographed.  The little deaths I endured for almost a year were carried through by Gookie's sarcastic mouth - the persona of fun and frivolity even though I was missing time and caring in my soul - but she saved nothing of me from that period.

Except this picture.  For some reason she saved this picture.  Love that she's partying in all Motherhood Maternity Haute Couture...  I swear this pic adds 10 pounds.  But thankfully only in the arms and belly.

I stare frequently at all the hundreds of photos from D's first year.  It's like trying to piece together a puzzle.  Then I close my eyes and try to separate whether I am remember a "photo-memory" (I saw a picture so I think I remember it) or a "real-memory" (I actually remember partaking in the moment).  Then, of course, the guilt sets in when I realize they're ALL photo-memories...  I remember bringing my eldest, B, home from the hospital, his playdates, when he first crawled, the first time he crawled outside, his first bath, the first time meeting Nana, nursing him for 9 months, etc...  I remember NONE of that with D.

Gookie and my PPD (post partum depression) are one and the same.  Having no joy for life for almost a year was one of the most challenging times in my life.  Gookie channeled that depression in a meaningful way for me and I am forever thankful that I had the slight smarts to blog it out.  But she has gone and in her place, is just me.  Happy, joyful, and present. 

From left: D (18 mo), B (4.5 years), and ME (don't be rude)!  Enjoying carrots from our garden!

As my blogging continues, I hope to be a lot more regular...on here, not bowel-wise, although that would be nice, too.  ;)