We had appointments for DTM's. No, that's not Do The Monkey, it's Deep Tissue Massage. Hummmmmmmmaaaaaagggerrrrrdd. I'm pretty sure that was my primary thought during the entire 50 minutes of Heaven. Except for those times that my masseuse utilized her thumbs, forearms, or ELBOWS. Just.Shy.Of.Pain. Is SOOOOO good! We had a couple's massage. Which really means that Hubs and I were naked under blankets and being prodded by strangers together. And it was wonderful. And hot towels! I had no idea that a crock pot could be so versatile! I also learned that a hot sauna is REALLY boring. I couldn't read my Kindle and it was too hot to talk. I don't have any idea how all those mobsters do all their business in saunas - or why they're all so round - you'd think that they'd just sweat off all those meatballs. Weird. I saw it on HBO so it must be true.
But if you go, take a pair of walking/hiking shoes (I only brought heels - I was trying to be hoity-toity), stretchy waist pants for after dinner (and breakfast - maternity pants would work perfectly), and ear plugs (out of necessity, the Lodge is RIGHT next to a busy road on an incline, so we were awoken by the sounds of large trucks revving up the road...blerg). Also: be prepared. 1) There's no USB charger - not on the TV, not on the iHome radio, not on the phone. Just. Not. 2) You'll overeat. Then you'll have to poop. And the bathroom opens up to the main room via thin windows, you know, so sexy stuff can happen in the double occupancy tub. Hubs made me turn the TV on. ;)
It was as big as his face. Which answered the question: "Could he ever eat his own face?" No. No, he could not. He also had the "pureed" potatoes (NOT mashed, so last year).
Now I had the Tenderloin:
Now, everything on this plate is amazing. I mean, even the friggin' asparagus was amazing, and those are pretty easy. But take a moment to stare, with saliva dripping off your chin, at the sauce... It was my first Demi Glaze. And it was...indescribable. It tasted like all those crusty bits on the bottom of the pan after searing meat mixed with ground up rainbows and angel tears. I have never had such a relatively thin sauce be such the main attraction on my plate before. The server poured this juice of the gods onto my steak for me and as he pulled away, I saw there was still an inch of the heavens in the bottom of the small pitcher...DAMN IT, WHY DIDN'T I TELL HIM TO LEAVE IT?! This rates high on the list of dumb things I have done that I have only myself to blame for...well, I'll blame him a little too - he should have known how next to cleanliness that sauce was (er, godliness, get it? Don't give me the credit - I stole it from Ratatouille) and left it for me. Although, maybe he was keeping me from sticking my tongue as far into the little pitcher as I could and making a general ass of myself in the middle of this klassy establishment. Like I would have done that... Pshaw. I'd've been proper and used my fingers.
Oh, the wine. OH, THE WINE! Take it from me, drink the expensive shit in the Dining Room and leave the Red Blend in the gift shop. It was SUCH a disappointment after the Malbec and Syrah we enjoyed with our dinners. Maybe the $60 bottle of the Red Blend Reserve would have been better...but I doubt it. We bought the bottle to have in our room, but we each only had one glass. You know it's not bangin' if I leave any for the next day. But at least they had corkscrews in the room - I've stayed at some places where I've actually considered gnawing the cork out with my teeth. But yes, drink the expensive wine in the restaurant and bring a bottle of tried and true wine with you for your room.
Get off your lazy ass and walk to view the falls. We almost didn't do this and I'm so glad Hubs convinced me to trot in my fancy-shmancy heels to the lookout. Also: watch what you're doing. When a couple is trying to get their picture taken, and they're not being assholes about it and taking forever, maybe be aware that the back of your fucking head is going to be in EVERY ONE OF THEIR SHOTS. Yeah, lady, I'm talkin' about YOU:
But as my breakfast filled-to-the-brim gut is so prominent in these pictures, her head isn't nearly as noticeable as I thought it'd be. Moving on.
Breakfast. Suffice to say that it was huge. Like my gut afterwards. My poached egg/smoked salmon/potato baby and I are very happy, thank you. And it already sleeps through the night. I won't go into detail about my major faux pas. But in a nutshell, I dropped a whole basket of biscuit/scone/muffin goodness all over the floor and the sweetie pie that brought our water replaced the whole thing for me... I think he may have had the impression I was about to cry. Because I was about to cry. They got a really good tip. That is all.
So. Really. Just go there. Amazebergville. Tell them Leah sent you.
No, don't, they don't know who I am.
**Postscript: I just now realized that I didn't mention my children a single time here. I thought of them in passing periodically, but really? I didn't miss them until I was nearly home. Salish Lodge was THAT good.
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