RIP, Gookie. You were...something else.

Well, THAT was interesting!

Poor Gookie.  She was...entertaining?  In the thralls of psychosis, her biting wit and scathing opinions left us all...slightly troubled?  Oh, dear, am I thankful for Gookie.  When she first emerged, I really needed her.  She gave me a place to lash out, a place to be unafraid, she gave me a voice to assuage the terror.  But she also took.  I remember so little of my youngest son's first year.  I see pictures and know I took them but have no clear recollection of the event being photographed.  The little deaths I endured for almost a year were carried through by Gookie's sarcastic mouth - the persona of fun and frivolity even though I was missing time and caring in my soul - but she saved nothing of me from that period.

Except this picture.  For some reason she saved this picture.  Love that she's partying in all Motherhood Maternity Haute Couture...  I swear this pic adds 10 pounds.  But thankfully only in the arms and belly.

I stare frequently at all the hundreds of photos from D's first year.  It's like trying to piece together a puzzle.  Then I close my eyes and try to separate whether I am remember a "photo-memory" (I saw a picture so I think I remember it) or a "real-memory" (I actually remember partaking in the moment).  Then, of course, the guilt sets in when I realize they're ALL photo-memories...  I remember bringing my eldest, B, home from the hospital, his playdates, when he first crawled, the first time he crawled outside, his first bath, the first time meeting Nana, nursing him for 9 months, etc...  I remember NONE of that with D.

Gookie and my PPD (post partum depression) are one and the same.  Having no joy for life for almost a year was one of the most challenging times in my life.  Gookie channeled that depression in a meaningful way for me and I am forever thankful that I had the slight smarts to blog it out.  But she has gone and in her place, is just me.  Happy, joyful, and present. 

From left: D (18 mo), B (4.5 years), and ME (don't be rude)!  Enjoying carrots from our garden!

As my blogging continues, I hope to be a lot more regular...on here, not bowel-wise, although that would be nice, too.  ;)